Thursday, September 9, 2010

A New Story

I don't want to be pregnant!
I don't want to be pregnant!
Please, God,
don't make me be pregnant!
A constant chant
Marching through my cerebral cortex.

Any other time,
I would be jumping for joy
At the prospect of
Carrying a little person for nine months,
Going through excruciating pain
Giving birth to said little person.

This was not that time.

I could not adopt
The concept that I
Would be linked
To that man for 18 years.
Having him have a say
In how my child was to be brought up?
No sir, no ma'am.

So, why did I
Let it get so far?

I guess
I wanted to be normal,
I wanted to be loved,
I wanted what I saw in movies
And read in novels.
The sad thing is
That was not the reality.

The reality was
Men who wanted my body,
More than my soul.
Men who put their needs,
His wants before mine.
Men who wanted me
To have their babies,
But made me question
If they wanted me.

"You can go in now."
The nurse pulled me
Out of my fog of thoughts.

Dead woman walking,
More like
Pregnant woman walking.
My steps were heavy
And yet I was able to move quickly.

The doctor greeted me
With his usual effervescence
And I try to match it
Point for point.

As I sit across
From my gyno and relate my suspicions,
The door to the outside closes
And a new story begins.

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